1) I am no longer an employee of the company
2) I am not eligible for rehire there.
3) The HR manager who told me to take the blog down is no longer an employee there.
4) I need to follow my heart and write the truth so I can finally have closure from that company in my heart.
If you choose to read my previous blog entries, I stated how I was a target of workplace bullying. Now, I know in my heart that it is real because it led to my termination. I will explain. Due to the bullying, I was so unhappy, but I chose to trust that God was in control and that He would make the best out of a bad situation. As the days, the weeks, and the months went by I chose to blossom where I was planted despite the difficult circumstances I was in. Since I didn't have many people outside of work to confide in, I talked to my loyal best friend, confidante, and sister in Christ-Rosheeda. Like me she was very unhappy with her job, but we chose to trust God to promote us. She reminded me that even though I was unhappy there, I was there to glorify God and earn income to pay bills.
My termination was due to low productivity since January. My low productivity was triggered by my expectations of being treated fairly not being met due to an incident that occurred between my co-worker and I in December 2012. I spoke to my team lead about the incident, but my supervisor overheard. My supervisor (Read 4/29/12's entry) spoke to me and said he would investigate it. Then, I was called into a meeting thinking I would be told the whole situation was resolved, and to be offered a pay raise, but I got a rude awakening. In 2012, despite all of the adversity I was facing within the department I worked in, I had above average productivity. Therefore, I was expecting this would be my "being rewarded in due time" moment. Needless to say, I was wrong, instead, I was told I was being written up for something I did not do. To be specific, I was told I made the whole incident up. My former co-workers lied on me. I left work in shock that day. When I returned to work, I did my best to keep a stellar productivity record, but the betrayal I had endured was in the back of my mind; and I could not get back to the momentum where I once was.
Up to that point, I had endured being subtly disrespected. On a daily basis I felt like I was in high school because of the cliques that had formed in the department I worked in. I was praying at this point for God to move me to a better position within the company b/c now there was weariness in my spirit and the heaviness in my heart had taken a toll on me. I was tired, but I completely depended on God to carry me through those difficult work days.
I told Rosheeda about what happened. She was angry and hurt with me, but she told me to keep going. She told me to do my best under the circumstances, and I will be ok.
Rosheeda and I both worked at jobs we were unhappy at, but we talked on the phone everyday to share our issues we had at work, then she would tell me to leave our issues at work and talk about anything else, and we did just that. I knew as long as I had her, I would be ok.
Life as I knew it changed on April 6, 2013 at 4:00 in the morning. I found out that Rosheeda - my sister, loyal confidante and best friend of 8 1/2 years died suddenly the previous day- April 5th in a car wreck. She was instantly taken to Heaven. She is now my Guardian Angel.
Obviously, I returned to work heartbroken and devastated. My former boss told me to go home b/c she said I was too distraught to work. So, I went home and came back 2 days later for a job interview I had applied for within the company. My former boss set up the interview for me when I was at home. I came back and did the interview in complete shock.
On April 18, 2013, less than 2 weeks after losing Rosheeda, I was called into a meeting by my former boss. I was expecting to be offered the position I applied for, especially with HR in the room. In my heart, I was holding on to hope that God had answered my prayers and was going to give me a miracle regardless of my productivity scores, and promote me within the company. However, when I asked the HR what the meeting was about, I could tell by the looks on their faces this meeting was not going to end well. My memory is still haunted by the looks on their faces. My former boss walked in, sat down, looked at me, and said I was being terminated that day. I was terminated on my 2nd anniversary of my hire date. One week before I was to go on the company trip out of the country.
To be honest, after Rosheeda died, I didn't really want to go on the company trip. Even now, seeing all of my former co-workers pictures, I am not a tad bit jealous because my world crashed the moment I found out she died.
However, I was angry at the fact that this was 2 times, I expected to hear good news and to be rewarded doing my best & for all of the hard work I put into the company, only to be hurt and disappointed, and realize my best was not good enough for them after all. I expected to have a career within that company, and resign on my own terms, but my expectations were once again destroyed. Now, I know my heart they set me up to fail and had no intention of allowing me to advance within the company.
Once it started sinking in that I was no longer an employee of the company. I asked if I could pack my belongings in and on my desk. I was told they would ship them to me. My former boss told my former team lead to get some of the stuff from my desk. Then, my former boss got my pictures, especially the 1 of Rosheeda and gave them to me. I felt so disrespected and humiliated because they wouldn't even let me pack my belongings. They moved so fast to erase my existence from the company (and feels like from Earth) that they did not send all of my belongings to me. There are 4 things I did not get back, but I can replace those. I am thankful to God I got what I needed.
Once I had what they chose to give to me from my desk, I got up and stood to give my former boss- the woman who ironically hired me, and who I grew to respect- a hug and she backed away like I had leprosy. I understand you have to be professional, but the way she moved back was cold and heartless. I will never forget that moment. So, I shook her hand and in shock I told her I understood, but in reality I did not, and still do not understand. I completely felt like a 2nd class citizen.The way I was treated after I was fired was deceptive, disrespectful, cowardly, unprofessional, and mean-spirited. I felt alone, hurt, and angry because they kicked me when I was down when I needed them them the most.
However, despite how I feel and all they have all done to me I choose to do as Christ commanded of me and FORGIVE them. I have chosen to forgive those who hurt me during my time there because they know not what they have done, and I have placed them in God's Hands. I just pray He has mercy on their souls.
After suffering 2 traumatic experiences within 2 weeks, my faith in God was truly tested. I grew very discouraged because this has been the 4th job He has given me that I lost because of my faithfulness, my choice to follow Him & be His disciple. I started doubting God. I started to question if He even wanted me to be in Dallas and if doing the right thing for Him in the workplace and in life in general is in vain.
To be honest, there are still days I wonder if following Him is even worth it, but though He slay me, yet will I trust Him because I will come forth as gold (Job 13:15; 23:10). There are days my faith in Him is weak and is tested, but I am choosing to hold on and trust Him. My hope and faith is in Him alone. I am choosing to believe He is my hope and that 1 day He will allow me to see goodness in the land of the living (Psalm 27:13).
God is His unconditional love, patience, grace, and mercy has started showing me Himself in ways I never could have imagined. He has shown Himself strong as my provider -Jehovah Jireh- and has provided for me exceedingly and abundantly in more ways I could have asked, prayed, or imagined (Eph. 3:20). As I waited to see if I was eligible for UI benefits, He challenged me and asked if I trusted Him or the UI benefits, I chose to trust Him and He moved so fast on my behalf. I am so thankful He is providing for me. :)
He knows that since Rosheeda's death, I get lonely. So, He is building up around me a strong support system that she would approve of to stand in her stead. Since, I have suffered 2 traumatic losses in such a short time span, He has led me to grief counseling, to help me heal properly in the grieving process.
Currently, I am looking for employment. I have given God a long, very specific list of the desires of my heart of what I really need from the next position He has for me. However, getting a job at this point in my life is not my top priority. I am choosing to trust His timing and believe He is in control of my employment status because I know He will give another job, but I only get 1 chance in time to fully begin the grieving process as I heal.
In the meantime, I am choosing to take this current season of unemployment as a time of rest, seek God for His direction, give Him the opportunity to fully renew my faith in Him, to heal me, and to build me up where I am broken.
As I go through the grieving process, I know God is going to transform my spirit and heart because now, not only do I have Rosheeda as My Guardian Angel, but I will always have her in my heart.
